Distraction on the Path

The past three Wednesdays, I have walked the labyrinth at Holy Trinity while my children were at EYC. Only last week, did I realize this was a physical exercise as much as a spiritual and mental one. I am sure that being so far from any sort of workout and a general feeling of sickliness has contributed to this. I cannot help but wonder if I could get well by walking it every day.

One way of approaching the labyrinth is to walk with God, praying or meditating on one's concerns and trials going in, sitting in communion  at the center, and releasing those troubles as one makes one's way out. Of course, as there is no "right" way to walk the labyrinth, and this is not the only approach or "method." But as I spend so much time anxious, it seems to be what happens with me.

Usually, I leave with a feeling of calm, even though sometimes that calm is mixed with worry.

Last evening, I was distracted by a coming storm. I could hear the thunder miles away, and I often looked for a rock or something that I could might use to mark my place should a downpour occur before I had finished. When it began to sprinkle, I kept telling myself, it is only water, and so I managed to complete the walk. But how spiritual the experience was, I cannot say.

Recently I recently read a book by C.S. Lewis which reminded me that the quality of any spiritual endeavor cannot be judged by how one feels at the end, and that God's is pleased with the effort of prayer, even if one might be partially occupied in mind or "not feeling it." I am trusting these days in that truth.


drops on the flat path
summer is coming i hear
first there will be showers

New Year’s Day 2013

I’ve been up for hours, the kids and wife still in bed. After an unsuccessful search for my flash drive, two cups of coffee, and some pre-writing for a new book, I decide to try taking the dogs for a walk.

 It’s cold and wet outside. The wind, I can already tell, is no good for my back. But the three of us trudge on my usual route, too short for any real exercise value, but a start. A something.

I think of my kids still asleep. Are they? Or are they just waiting for someone else to get up and take the order to give the dogs their overdue constitutional? I half expect the whole house, nicely quiet for sometime, to be abuzz when I get back.

But upon return, it is still just me. And after a few minutes, I’m still  warming. And wondering. Is this really a new day, the first day of change, better beginnings? Or just another cold day?

Whatever is true, I know I want to avoid the bitterness and fear at war with me. This morning I read from Paul’s letter to the Philippians: “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” A fine sentiment and worthy advice, but difficult for one who sometimes feels forgotten.

And yet, whatever good is in me need not be remembered, only the God who is the source and center of that good. So I have no need of resolutions, only to be resolute.

Sharpening

Back sore from sitting at my computer most of the day, I put on my sweatshirt and tennis shoes, told the dogs they couldn’t go with me, and went outside for some “air.” The past few days the weather has been that odd mix we sometimes have in Texas where the mornings require coats and the cars require warming up before leaving, while in the afternoons a fat guy like me could be comfortable in a sleeveless shirt. But it was dark and cool again.

I walked, hoping to unburden my head from all the dull thoughts muddling through me. One semester over and another begun, I already regret the work I’ve committed to, and yet, am glad to be busy. It won’t be too much to stave off the dragon whispering about uselessness. Just want to be sharp again.

I found a razor from a box cutter and carried it with me to the mailboxes, where I deposited it in the trash. On top of the mail boxes, I saw someone had left a letter opener. I picked it up and noted it was sharper than the razor.

Hate to see these near the ground. Having had tires as thin as skin, I worry about what I’ll run over.

 

teen boys darkly dressed

one uses his cell like a batsignal

and they meet

passing me

their curses polluting the air

leaving cans in the road

Back

First walk in over a week. I took the dogs out for their afternoon constitutional. I don't think I'd gone ten yards when my back began to hurt, but Thor and Cleo were both good, and so within minutes I had forgotten the strain and began to enjoy the sweat and sun.

I also left behind, at least for a few minutes the strain of perceived failures. Children played soccer against a house while their parents talked around a barbeque, and fenced dogs barked at mine as we went past. I just smiled and kept moving.

hope is a thistle
royal bright
but too soon wilted
and yet there is another
tomorrow

Arguments and resistance

The past two days I've taken my walk to the library a little later than I had intended. But I am hoping that within the time before all my kids are out of school, I may, with walks in the afternoon, build some resistance to the heat, so that I will continue when the temperatures reach the hundreds for several days.

Yesterday, my thoughts were on the connection between fear and hate, and so when I reached the library I scribbled a few things about it. The subject brought up memories of a bully in my childhood, one of the few people I ever truly wanted to die. Today, I looped the mental tape of an argument over the foolishness of either/or science vs. religion arguments. Pearls before swine, I kept thinking, but not all of them end this way.

for you, science is everything

all else is entertainment

you see no collars on your priests

or that your god

is still being chiseled

Anyway, I am grateful for these sunny days and the chance to read some poetry and work on some stories.