Waking Up Naked

So consider the following: You get up every day and get dressed for work. You put on your regular work clothes, maybe some slacks and a polo, jeans on casual Friday. On Saturday, you get into comfy clothes -- your favorite t-shirt, relaxing pants, and sandals or tennis shoes if you have errands to run. Sunday means your nice slacks, best shirt, and maybe a tie. Shoes are hard and uncomfortable, but you'd be even less comfortable in what you would prefer. No problem. It's only an hour or so, and then you are home in shorts and napping on the couch, dreaming of grilling something for dinner.

Lots of people have dreamed of being some place familiar only to realized suddenly they are completely naked. But what if we woke up and realized that every time we went out thinking we were dressed, we were actually unclothed all the time and most people ignored it, though some gave a hint here and there. Once in a while some person pointed out some of the truth, but was so rude or judgmental about it you could not possibly take that person seriously.

exposed on the bridge

there is no way

even to the water

forward and stop

are the only directions

That Dish of Guilt

Late, I set out. We had a lot of rain last night and this morning, and so now the earth is cool. The sun is out and bright. Colors seem freshly painted.

I hear a chime and against my better judgement I look at the notification on my phone: "You still have time to save your 7 day logging streak on MyFitnessPal." My diet has become a game that is already so boring it needs statistics to prop up interest. But I'm not buying it. Besides, there is no way to enter "Two plates of mostly-chicken-at-the-Royal-Buffet-but-no-fried-rice-though-it-smelled-so-good-and-I-realize-how-hypocritical-it-is-of-me-to-mention-the-rice-since-some-of-the-chicken-had-some-sort-of-breading-and-was-probably-cooked-in-something-that-is-guaranteed-to-shape-me-like-Buddha-no-matter-how-many-damn-vegetables-I-eat-so-stop-judging-me-you-stupid-app. Oh, and two-glasses-of-iced-tea-no-sugar-I-promise-and-I'm-sorry-I-called-you-stupid."

i'd rather not know

the number of carbs

in that dish of guilt

I begin to wonder if my pace is too slow to count as real exercise when I reach the field. The grass is still wet, and for some strange reason, my brain convinces me that I am at greater risk for running into a snake. My bare legs feel colder, as I scurry like a scared dog, not running, half dragging my walking stick. For the rest of the walk, I stick to concrete.

I have miles to go, and not just before I sleep.

Empty Us of Fear

Heard a speaker this morning talk about chaplains in the armed services. Was grateful he used the words "living sacrifice" and not "ultimate sacrifice," a cliche reserved it seems for those we know nothing about other than that they died wearing a uniform. And when he made the connection between these servicewomen and men and Christ, he did not bring his listeners to the cross, but to the agony in the garden, and to the moments where one faces challenges far greater than even our bodily death.

empty us of fear

o Lord, and fill us 

with You

I walk in the afternoon, and it is already hot enough to tell the difference that shade makes when passing under a tree. But a good breeze hits me often enough.

The grass is bright and just high enough that it would alert homeowners and gardeners, but since it is a field, no one will do anything for several more days. It is just long enough to make me nervous, but I remind myself I have real problems to think about, and so I sometimes don't imagine getting between a mouse and a snake circling life.

I pass scattered debris from who knows where, and wonder what brought it there. I see mounds I know are doors for some kind of critters, but don't know what, and ask myself what I need to know about them. Then I realize I've lost the trail of conversation I am not sure I've started.

an empty plastic bag

stuck in the stiff grass

distracts contracts the mind

 

Fences Leaning On Fences

Musing on the future, I could not help considering the past, or at least what I remember of the past, which may be more feeling that pictures. Dwelling too much on feelings is not good, and so I pray about the danger.

I walked a little longer today, including a field I rarely travel. I avoid it, at different times, because of high grass, mud, or the potential for snakes. My trek brought me near I-30, but I had no desire to go near the shops and people getting breakfast at Sonic. So I stayed as close to the edge as I dared.

wild grass and debris

fences leaning on fences

coffee lingering

I am not determining my future this summer. Well, that isn't true. I am, but not in the way I thought I would. I started this journey thinking I'd perhaps decide whether to continue the path I've been on. Even the "good" reason to deviate is dissolving, not so much like a fog, but ice turning to water. But what I shall bring on this journey and what I shall shed as unnecessary -- this is what I shall turn my prayers and my face toward.

Toward Hope

Summer begins and I walk this morning, looking toward hope. I'm not going anywhere, not doing anything. Just trying to get the rest prescribed to me. And I keep telling myself, that if I just walk and rest, when Fall comes I'll be a better teacher, better father, better friend, but something says that I'll just be a little thinner. That's okay too.

Summer is often disappointing because I start with so many goals, and always fail to meet them. Now my goal is to "rest," whatever the heck that means. And I am already worried I cannot meet that goal because it is so vague and because too much seems to stand in the way, but I'm going to try.

your imaginary defenses

have attacked

have left me behind

why have you negotiated

my fallenness

I just want to be good again. The numbers overwhelm  and keep me blind even to those who support me. I don't need to prove myself to those who have always thought me a failure. I need to leave discouragement behind. I need to leave fatigue behind. I need to leave fear behind.

Or at least walk a little faster until they get tired and drop away.