What keeps me from these devotions?

I want so badly to get back into the swing of walking, but too darn much life has gotten in the way. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

Having recently read Scott Cairns’ Short Trip to the Edge: Where Earth Meets Heaven--A Pilgrimage, I have felt a pulling to devote more time to the Jesus Prayer and the Lord’s Prayer, and also to walk as a matter of spiritual, more than physical discipline. Of course, I have said the latter before, but this book (which is not really about walking) and some other things I have encountered have put me again in this mindset.

What keeps me from these devotions? Nothing and plenty.

I have been walking more at work, now that I have been back a couple of weeks. I try to space time out so that I can walk across campus every hour or so, as I have done before, to get coffee or something I may need from the division office. At least my back (which has suffered lately) has been grateful. But I have also spent a lot of time in the xar, and it is hard to walk when driving.

I have also had the blessing of a neighbor, new to me, who has given me reason to be afraid to leave the house, and in particular, afraid to walk in the neighborhood during the hours I would likely walk. I won’t go into the details about this here.

But I must pray, and I must find time and place to walk. I mustn’t give in to fear. Even in the dark, I must step toward Grace.

That’s all?

Wednesday: Since the injection, my back has been sore, a little stiff. Finally, I was able to talk myself into walking around the block at 2 in the morning. It isn’t much, but it’s moving. The weather had been mild Tuesday, and I should have taken advantage of it.

 

A shot

Monday: More to wake up before trying to work than anything else, I took a short walk to the corner and back. Quick chat with neighbor about soccer and the behavior of dogs. Dogs in the neighborhood barking at me.

Wednesday/Thursday: Saw the doctor Wednesday about the back pain and agreed to an injection Thursday. Certainly feeling better, though stiff and bruised, but not getting out. Rain one reason, but it shouldn’t be.

Headaches and clouds

Sunday: Afternoon, but I don’t mind because the heat feels good to my back. I walked after grading many papers, at first to 548 and back, but I extended it just a little. There were clouds to look at, but none to cover. My mind was scattered; I could not think of any one thing, but maybe that’s good. Another day I can stay out until I think of something or become content with nothing. I even walked through lots of grass and dirt; I don’t know what made be brave. Thinking about a friend who is miles away running under the same hot sun, and happy to just be moving.

Thursday: Headache was plaguing me and I could not concentrate on work, so I decided to walk around the neighborhood. Saw a jay hop up to the roof of a house and wondered if he was lazy or had just found a better way to get where he wanted. When I got home, my back hurt something fierce and I got little work done before I had to drive children all over.

After a promising start

Sunday: Took a short walk as the sun was setting from the  house to what used to be my kids’ elementary school. Thought about how much I missed my kids who were gone to camp and how I was walking slow, though I’m told to lose weight I have to have brisker, longer walks. All in due time, I thought to myself. It also occurred to me that prayer should be the focal point of my solitary walks, not so much the composition of poems or taking pictures. And then I wondered if my little poems might be part of my prayers. That seems right sometimes, but I wondered if I was just making excuses.

Monday: No walk today. Went to the library, and at some point I wondered if I’d ever get the a point where I could walk there a couple times a week.

The rest of the week was pretty much a bust. I kept wanting to walk, needing to reduce the stress by moving about, but something always got in the way. An appointment here, a headache there, a computer all the time making my work harder and more time consuming than it should have been. (I know. That last should have been all the more reason to strap on the shoes and go, but every time I seriously thought about it, I felt something in my blood pressure drop, and I feared I might not make it back.)